I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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