I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
