I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
