Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
