Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
