I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
