chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
