So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
