Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
