I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
