i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
