Buhtt sex?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
