Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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