How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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