R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
