She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
