How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
