my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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