don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
