On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
