i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My breasts were aching with rage.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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