so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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