I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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