i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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