I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
