Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
