I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
