I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
