remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
