Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
