matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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