bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
