wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
