New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
