You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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