I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
we're making bets on your personal life
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
