and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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