I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
