i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
