Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
