fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
