i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I came so hard my ears popped.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
