The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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