im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
