while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
