If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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