I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
