update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
bring money and cleavage
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
that is very illegal...i love you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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