If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
