I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
