Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
