I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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