going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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